9/1/2021
I'm back from Florida! I hope you had a good weekend. Shoot, it's already September. I'm excited for the Fall even though it lasts for two months lol.
Let's catch up. I was really excited to go to Florida with my siblings. As you may already know, I've been watching a lot of Sam & Colby videos. In my head I was thinking, "We're going to have our own adventure! No parents keeping us from doing what we want (we always go with one car)." The point of the trip was to visit our Grandma. I was happy to see her too. I can't imagine being cooped up inside all the time. So, she was very happy to see us.
When we got there the weather said it will rain for the ENTIRE time we're there. I'm the type of person who doesn't mind the rain, but I didn't know how much it would effect the trip. I had a list of all this stuff we could do, but it was all outdoors.
I also forgot how much of a homebody my sis is...so it was hard to convince her to go out. I remember on Sunday we spent an hour with our Grandma outside. It pretty much rained almost every day at 2pm. Which was the time my siblings and I could do whatever we wanted. After seeing our Grandma, we went to the hotel to get stuff/use the bathroom and whatnot. It then started raining. Hard.
My bro was in his room in the hotel doing work. My sis has gotten obsessed with cat videos on Tik Tok. Then there was me staring out the window at the rain for 15 minutes.
My bro said he was up for anything as long as it was close and indoors. My sis just wanted to stay in and watch Harry Potter. I kept telling them we should go do mini golf because Florida rain doesn't last long.
We ended up watching a scary movie and then going to the mall. By the time we got there the rain stopped!
There were a few other times where we were in the hotel and I was feeling like, "Why am I wasting time indoors? I should be making awesome memories!" Those thoughts made me feel more and more trapped. I don't have a driver's license, we have no friends in Florida, and I'm scared to talk to strangers. I then went into the not so happy part of my mind.
I recently joined Dumb and Wise, a site Sam from Sam & Colby started. This dude is a little younger than me and is very happy and successful with the stuff he does. He's not like super rich, but he's living an awesome life. I messaged him a few times on instagram and I wasn't surprised not to hear from him. So I was thinking, "What's so great about following him and having this one sided conversation?" I know he's super busy. I'm hoping to learn a lot from him. It's just personally for me I think I'm really missing an in person social life.
I can't remember where I saw this, but on his site he said life is about your relationship with people. That is what makes you happy. I agree, but what happens when you're on your own? Sam gets to work with his friends all the time. And they're doing well. I'm mostly on my own. I'm helping my dad with the tiny home stuff. My bro is helping too sometimes. Right now we're waiting on people to make things happen. For film and the creative stuff I want to do...it's just me.
I messaged Sam on instagram on what I was feeling. I said something like, "Sometimes in life you're on your own." I said more but that's what I basically said. Then a moment later my siblings started joking around and wanted to go out to the mall. In that split second my dark clouds were gone. I felt better.
I looked at my message to Sam. In a way he is right. Though this doesn't count as my work life lol. I sent another message saying, "I don't mean to sound so down. I hope you have a great day." Obviously this dude isn't going to read my messages. In an odd way it felt kind of good to write to someone rather than what I usually do, which is writing to myself.
Also, what you put out in the world comes back to you. Which is why I always try to do the right thing even if no one is looking. And sometimes you think no one is looking at you pick the food out of your teeth, but turns out someone was staring at you the whole time judging you.
On Monday after seeing Grandma we went back to the hotel again. I really needed time to myself to think. It was difficult with my sister watching tv. I went to the pool where there was one dude sunbathing.
I wrote down a list of things that I do that are holding me back from reaching my goals. One big thing I do that holds me back is that I avoid the chance to talk to people. It's not like I hate people. I'm just scared of them. Scared of saying the wrong thing, saying something stupid, scared of making things awkward, and what would they do with the things they know about me? So the good ol' trust issues issue.
Oh, I forgot to say. The day I sent Sam the message that "sometimes you have no choice but to do things on your own," he sent an email to everyone his Pancake Day story. He was working at Ihop on Pancake Day. Which is where they give free pancakes. He was 17 and doing a poor job compared to the other workers. His boss yelled at him in front of everyone that he's falling behind. Sam was already beating himself up at how bad of a job he was doing. But in that moment he yelled back at his boss. Something like, "I'm 17, and I'm doing the best that I can." and then something like, "If what I'm doing isn't enough, then help me."
Bro, when I was 17 I would never yell or say anything like that to my boss (not that I could ever get hired living in NYC). Actually I don't know if I'd do that today. Sam is already so far ahead of me at 17! Anyway, his boss actually thanked him for that. The point of Sam's story is that you are doing the best you can. You don't need to beat yourself up for that.
After reading his story I felt better about myself. I emailed him back a thank you (whether he reads it or not!). I thought about his story for a while. I admired his courage, told myself, "Emel, you are doing the best you can," and I also told myself," Even if you're doing the best you can, you can't slack off." I had to think more about those two conflicting ideas. I really do appreciate the fact I do push myself to go a little further. Though, I also need to appreciate me doing my best. There needs to be some kind of balance. I guess once I start crying alone in the bathroom or behind a stair case is when I need to say, "It's okay. You're doing the best you can." Hmmmmm...
That could work lols. I usually think if you can cry, laugh, be scared, be relived, confused, sure of yourself, feel doom and gloom, aaaand feel hopeful all in one day, "That's a good day." That's you experiencing life. That's living it up.
Throughout my trip to Florida with my siblings I had a range of emotions. We were able to go mini golfing on the last day we were there and do a few other things too. I'd say it ended up being a good trip.
Best,
Emel