6/11/2022
What's up?
Some good news, I finally finished editing my friend's wedding video. I haven't received her permission to post it yet. It was a really fun wedding. What really made it fun were the people there...though the food was pretty good too!
Things have and have not been going on. I guess you would say I have plans for this summer, but who knows how they are going to play out. I'll tell you more about them when the time gets closer or after things happen.
If you're a creative/artist/entertainer you might understand the things I've been going through this past month or so. At the end of every project I feel incredibly lost. It's like going through a midlife crisis over and over again, or like you're being zapped into a completely new world every few months and you have to build up your life over and over again.
What's worse is if you're doing this without an agent, you're not part of a company or an organization that could guide you in any way. You're on your own making all of the decisions. Once you're finished with a project it's up to you to market your project...and then at some point you feel like you need to pump out something else. Such as in film, it's as if you need to keep going from project to project to project.
I was working out with a couple of friends last weekend.
After the gym we had lunch, hung out, blah blah blah, and then it was time to go home. One of my friends left and I was left walking part of the way with my other friend. Anyway! He asked me how I was doing since it's been a while since we last met up. I couldn't lie because all I could think about was how lost I was feeling. I told him that I finished editing the wedding video, I'm waiting on my dad to get investors for the tiny home community project (it's more his project than mine), and I have no idea what to do with my life right now.
Obviously that's just the surface of how I was feeling. I didn't want to dump a lot on my friend. He gave me advice that I'm sure you've heard many times before - he said, "Do what you want to do." He was talking about these designs he's made and he wants to put them on clothes. Hearing him talk about it reminded me that he's also an entrepreneur. Wow, I have an entrepreneur friend! He has some side hustles as well and he's really working hard.
I'm sure he's going to do well. He has some helpful connections and has people to vouch for his work. Plus he's a like-able guy.
It was really nice talking to him. When he said I should do something that I want to do - the comic book story I wrote a few years ago came up in my head. It's 203 pages long. It needs some serious editing and re-formatting because I wrote it in the screenplay format. I'm sure you'd also procrastinate editing 203 pages as well.
I know my dad has told me the same thing, "Do what you want to do," but for some reason hearing it from my friend got me inspired to get back into working on my comic book. Maybe it's because I see my dad every day and he can sometimes be a walking book of inspirational quotes.
So, I got back to my comic book. Im currently editing page 53. I'm on my way guys!
Oh yeah, my "high school reunion" that was set up by a few people from my class (and not by the school) is coming up at the end of the month. Maybe that's why I've been so moody lately. One night I felt like going out for a walk. As I walked past the old streets and parks I played in when I was a kid I thought, "Man, I'm still here. Nothing has changed." I have no idea what I'm going to tell my fellow classmates. I checked out the bar they're holding it in...I don't want to talk about my stand-still life with my classmates at a place with bras hanging down from the ceiling while eating what looks like meh fries.
I don't understand why they chose this place.
Then with socializing, I'm trying to remind myself, "Who cares what these people think. I never talked to most of them anyway." I'll probably stick around with my friends and check out if anyone looks different from when we were in high school lol.
Now, yesterday...I'm only telling you this in case you end up in a dark place as I have - my dad asked me to go walk outside with him. I didn't want to, but I've been spending way too much time in my room these past few months. I decided to go with him. There were way too many people out. I completely forgot it was a Friday evening.
Later at the second half of the walk I thought, "I don't like anything about my life right now." People were laughing around my dad and I, having a good time. I was trying my best not to cry. My dad wanted to sit down for a while, and I wanted to go home. Instead, I sat down with him. I was very frustrated with where I am with my life. My thoughts wondered, "It's like no matter what I do nothing seems to change. What is it that I'm doing wrong? Maybe everything that I've done has been wrong.
No, Tony Robbins said that sometimes all we need to do is change a little something in order to (in the long run) be on the right path. So, what is it that I need to change? Why won't anyone tell me?" I kept asking God for help.
I tried my best not to cry. My dad was taking photos of the sunset. He wanted to take a photo of me. I told him "No," as I tried not to cry. He didn't understand why I was refusing. He said, "This is for memories." Like I wanted to remember this. I had to repeat myself, "No" until he gave up.
Then he was uploading the photos to Facebook, while I sat there waiting to go back home. There was an annoying small dog barking non-stop, a mom taking too many photos of her tween posing with her really cute/classy looking bike, and another mom taking photos of her kid who was also doing a bunch of cringy poses. I tried to turn my attention to the sunset as the sky got redder and redder. It was very vibrant. Finally I said, "Can we go?" My dad said, "Wait, my post isn't done loading." We both stared at his phone as his post slowly loaded. When it did he tilted his phone to me, "Look, aren't they [his photos] beautiful?" I didn't understand why he wanted to go through the photos he just took and saw. I was trying not to cry as I stood up and said, "I want to go." He got up after me. For the rest of the time I think he wanted to give me some space because we didn't talk at all. I probably seemed like a brat. It makes me feel kind of bad the way I acted.
As we walked home there were so many people. I wanted to explain what was going on in my head to my dad but I was afraid I'd start crying. I didn't want to be a sobbing side show for a bunch of strangers, and I don't think my dad would have been able to understand a word I said.
We got home, I watched a One Piece movie that had some pretty funny moments and felt like my old self again. And today I did some volunteer gardening with nice people and I've been feeling pretty good. That sliver of hope is back and I need to go seize it. Why the sudden change?
Two things!
One: Do things that get you out of your head. Such as do something new! Get out of your house!
Two: Interact with people. (New people if you've been spending too much time with the same people. Even if it's to ask where the bathroom is).
Oh, maybe a third thing would be to do something for others/not for yourself. It helps you get outside yourself.
Will I be feeling this good for long? Well, do people get a cold and continue having a cold? Do people laugh forever or feel angry forever? Nah.
I forgot the name of the guy, but he said people are like the weather. They're always changing.
Let's hope we're always changing for bigger and better things.
Until next time!
Best,
Emel