9/28/2021
Hello,
I'd like to apologize if any of my blogs have seemed immature and whiny. There's a lot of things I want to do, and that I hope to do. I'd like to share my stories with you. I hope they somehow help you with whatever it is you're going through right now.
It's hard to say if my wants are selfish or not because I want it all.
You know, in a lot of great movies (before, I don't know 2010 let's say) the characters have strong wants and needs. That is what made them a great character. That is what makes a great story. That is what pushed them past their limit. That is what made them into a better person (most of the time).
Social media lets you project what you want or makes you look like you have you want. Which over time can make you trip on your humanity, trip on being yourself and trip on having real relationships.
Luckily I have some good relationships. I try my best to be myself even when it is scary, and I remind myself of my humanity.
I used to go up to the roof of my building (before they put the "no trespassing" sign up). I'd go there, look down at the streets and feel that first gush of wind on my face. I'd look at all the beautiful tall buildings around me. Don't tell anyone, but I'd sing up there. I'd go there to sing without holding back.
I would go around the roof to look at each side of the building. Each side had a different view. I would have the strangest feeling up there. It was like I felt small but for some reason I felt really warm.
(I wish I took photos, but this is another roof I went up to.)
It took me a while to put it into words. It's like that feeling you get when you look up at the stars at night. You remember how small you are, but not in a depressing way. When I figured it out, this is what I was feeling, "I am small but I'm part of this great big world."
And so are you.
You are part of something grand. Something so much bigger than yourself, but without you it wouldn't be the same. If you're with people working on anything, that's amazing. It's hard to find a team to work with. If you're on your own like me, then you're still amazing. Many people would quit. If you were thinking of quitting, DON"T. You're going to get there. Everything has a right time and place. No, you don't know when that will be, but it's not going to happen by sitting around.
Sometimes I may seem whiny about things not happening. That's because I'm frustrated. When I'm frustrated that is when I ask questions. "What else do I need to do? What am I doing wrong? What can I change? What if I tried a new angle? What would Monkey D. Luffy do?! What would Tony Robbins do? What would Sam and Colby do? What would someone else do? What would my future confident self tell me to do?" Then I try all these different things. That's why I'm usually all over the place. I tried opening an online t-shirt business, I tried writing my first ebook, I am publishing a book of poems chapter by chapter, I'm starting to collect TikTok dances before publishing them, I'm posting more stories on instagram, I'm trying to find filmmakers to work with, I bought a lot of my own merch to advertise with, and I'm going to keep trying whatever I can to be financially successful so I can make whatever films I want whenever I want.
Now, don't stress out. Take your time. Go outside, sit in a chair upside-down, meditate, look up at the stars. Take a moment to sort out your thoughts and figure out the next steps to where you want to be.
Best,
Emel